Right Now....

You have no idea how much I miss home right now. At this very instant. I've been here for a month and a half and still... I feel as if I just don't fit in.

Don't get me wrong, USA is a great place. People here are ... okay. Food here ain't so hot but there are still some Chinese restaurants here so it's relatively Asian, at least where I'm at.

Yeah and that could be my problem...

It's not relatively Asian here, its VERY Asian. There are tons of Asians here - mostly Taiwanese, a large number of Vietnamese and Koreans and some Japanese. Some China Chinese and a handful of other Asian races.

But there isn't one Malaysian here at all. Well, with the exception of my cousin of course, and there may be some other Malaysians of whom I don't know about, but you get the idea. The number of Malaysians here is soooo low that it's almost as if Malaysians are non-existent. Normally, I wouldn't mind it. Heck, I didn't wanna go to Australia because it's too overpopulated with Malaysians.

I'm really beginning to doubt the wisdom of my decision now.

The fact is, I don't feel as if I fit in here.

Nobody here understands me.

Don't get me wrong, I've met some great people. The problem is... these great people would prefer to hang out with other great people from their own country.

My friends are all from Taiwan and they all speak Chinese with each other. They understand each other's culture and language. I being a Malaysian, plus the disadvantage of not knowing how to speak Chinese, am often left by the wayside when they are conversing happily and joking.

I don't discredit them for wanting to speak Chinese and be with other Taiwanese. It's just human nature - the black sheep concept. We all want to stay in our comfort zone, especially when we're in an unfamiliar place. Hence, Taiwanese stick to Taiwanese, Chinese stick to Chinese, Koreans stick to Koreans and the like.

But I have no one to stick to. There are no Malaysians here.

That wouldn't be a major problem, actually. I just don't know how to speak Chinese. And that has prevented me from basically, having a social life.

Why don't I make friends with the Americans, you ask?

Well, it's a culture thing. I am not familiar with the American culture yet, hence it is hard to make friends when one doesn't understand the other person's culture, even though you understand their language.

On the other hand, I don't understand the Chinese language but I am familiar with the Asian culture. What a bind I am in, seriously. I am neither here, nor there.

The funniest thing is: I have such a powerful command of the English language and I come to the United States of America, where the main language is English, and yet, I have no friends because I can't speak Chinese!

Doesn't the irony just kill you?

I know I am just wallowing in misery and feeling a whole lot of self-pity. But I can't help it.

It's just so hard.

I miss Malaysia.
I miss my friends.
I miss PM 9 so much it hurts.
I miss the times we spent together as a class.
I sometimes regret leaving you guys.
I sometimes regret enrolling in A-Levels in the first place, then I wouldn't have met you guys and it wouldn't be so painful.
I miss my high school friends.
I miss the times we can just hang out and laugh.
I miss the rojak language of Malaysia.
I miss everything... so so much...